Why Are You Like That?
by Reshma Anil Kumar
The press conference lasted for about an hour.
"We are planning to incorporate Nature-based Solutions like coastal sand dunes and mangroves in our endeavours to achieve disaster and climate resilience in lieu of the destruction caused by the recent tsunami and earthquake," she replied to the reporter's question.
"Will you be taking land away from the disadvantaged in the name of conservation?"
"No, we are planning our strategies in such a manner that both the local communities, i.e., the stakeholders, and the nature would benefit from our collective efforts." More reporters rushed in with queries but the youngest Indian bureaucrat was already leaving to attend her next schedule.
-Earlier on the day-
I sat up on my bed feeling dizzy from my long slumber. The clock showed 10 am, 3 hours to my press conference. Still unsure, I looked at the blinding sunlight gliding through my room. I got up and went to the kitchen of my 1BK studio apartment to prepare my coffee.
Sipping my coffee, I went back to my bed and stared blankly at the dust particles floating through the sunlight which flooded my mind with memories…
I was in the 15th year of my life when I had my first love. We had moved to Oman for my father's business and changed buses to commute to school. On my first day on the bus, since people had fixed seats and I didn’t know anyone, I had sat alone somewhere in the first few seats.
Her stop was exactly two stops after mine. Though she hadn't made much of a first impression, I had seen her noticing a new face. A few minutes later, she was standing before me and asking, "Are you new here?" I remember whispering a broken "yes," to which she had offered, "Do you want to sit with me?" I recalled me being really glad.
Soon, we were having the time of our lives talking and visiting each other. She seemed like my only ray of light in the dark and lonely world. We were quite close when I met another senior, in the same bus, who was especially close to her. Though there was nothing between them, I could sense myself getting pretty jealous of their proximity.
Back then, I didn't realize what my feelings were. So, a confession was the last thing on my mind. But now that I have realized them, they have become my good memories…
My phone’s vibration woke me up from my thoughts. I got up from my bed to go to the bathroom, removed my clothes and looked at my naked body in the mirror. I ran my fingers along my curves. Seeing the tube light’s shine bouncing along them immersed me in my thoughts once again…
I was 19 when the bulb finally lit. Quite a late-bloomer, I started doubting my sexuality. I probably started doubting that I may be different a year before that but never realized that it may be my sexuality. Moreover, being in a new country and unfamiliar environment didn't help. Though I had an inkling of being gender-blind, I only became sure after moving to India.
Besides, by the time I was 20, I was 3 years into a crush on my best friend. During the first year, it was very confusing and, often, anxiety and denial took over me because I thought that I was mixing up feelings of friendship with that of love. Not knowing that I'm pansexual didn't help. I didn't even know that I was gender-blind for sure. "What a turbulent & insightful time it was," I murmured. But it was only once I became sure of my sexuality that I became completely sure of my feelings.
It was during a class that I voiced my doubts of not being straight for the first time. Then, it was a tsunami of research and trying out tests on sexualities and related stuff. It was a very confusing time and the feeling that I couldn't fit in anywhere which I had all through my childhood was becoming all the more prominent. I felt isolated and since I wasn't sure of things, I couldn't even talk about it to anyone.
I remember having those "friendly conversations" with my guy friends in college regarding sex and sexualities and me being open about the fact that my partner's biological sex not mattering to me even before I had doubts that I was different. Getting weird looks during those talks were a given, though it never mattered.
Slowly, as I became sure of my sexuality, I started testing the waters with my parents. Once I became firmly sure, I came out to my best friend. He was very accepting which, for the most part, though I knew he would be, was still relieving. But the sheer fact that people had no awareness about the terms 'pansexual' and 'demisexual' was harder than the process of coming out. And like most of the pansexuals out there, I couldn't avoid the exasperating question of whether I liked pans.
Coming out to my parents was quite arduous as it was exhausting to get them to understand the concept of it. At first, mom was in denial but she slowly came around. Dad didn't seem to understand it and just ignored the sheer fact of it. It took a lot of attempts to get at least a question of acknowledgement - "Why are you like that?" - from my dad. And that wasn't the last time I got asked that question. But over time, dad seems to have accepted it, though, both of them still prefers my future partner to be of the opposite sex abiding by the societal norm of heteronormativity.
Even then, I was always proud of who I am. So, staying in the closet was never an option for me. So, I began coming out to my friends, teachers and acquaintances. And once again, the hardest part was explaining what each term meant over and over again. Me being assumed as lesbian and being asked questions like "are you more into girls?", "can you even marry someone?" were such tedious misunderstandings that I wanted to give up a lot of times. Explaining it over and over again was not just cumbersome, it felt like I was ripped naked each time.
Even then, I persevered through it until I stumbled upon that dreadful question once again, "Why are you like that?" Though it was just an innocent doubt, it felt like a thorn being nailed into me. It made me feel wrong, like an unrepairable mishap that can only be disposed of.
Though I gained the courage to get back up again, I was again faced with questions like "why are you not hiding it if you aren't normal because if I were, I would have hidden it for sure". This made me doubt if I should be ashamed of myself when I had done nothing wrong. Gradually, I started to only come out to people who belonged to the LGBTQI+ community themselves or people who worked for related purposes.
That's when I came across organizations like YOUNGO, Y4N, etc, who accepted me for what I am and even upheld the values I lived for as long as I worked towards climate issues. Working with them motivated me to run towards my goal of bureaucracy so that I could implement the lessons I learned those years with a strong hand while advocating community inclusion.
The sheer fact that women and other sexual minorities form the larger portion of the stakeholders when it comes to environment-related efforts is often ignored by the ruling powers. This had always pulled at my heartstrings and annoyed me, even. So, working towards community inclusion felt just right to me. I remember being asked at my Personality Test about why I chose this occupation. Back then and even now there's just one answer to that question, to create awareness and implement Nature-based Solutions (NbS) and to ensure the inclusion of all stakeholders in the process. #
With a glint of a smile on my face, I carefully pulled out the freshly ironed suit from my wardrobe and propped it on. ‘I look good,’ I said to myself.
-Later on the day-
“‘Being at home during the lockdown, I got involved in a lot of online pride events. That was when I finally felt liberated, as if I didn’t have to hide anything, as if I finally belonged somewhere, somewhere I need not be ashamed of being myself. I felt like I wasn’t a mistake and that I didn’t need to apologize so much, in my heart, to my parents for being born. Being recognised for who I am felt like my life, a black and white picture by then was finally being filled with vibrant colours. This gave me the courage to keep going forward,’ said the youngest…..”
The deafening noise of the train couldn’t disrupt her attention from the newspaper. Sarah felt more confident in herself.
Story written with support of Jeslo Emmanuel Joy.
About
Visit Reshma’s blog:
I'm Reshma, a student like any other, working at various organizations while aspiring towards building my career in the corporate world. Besides being gender-blind, I identify as pansexual and demisexual. Though I have always been concerned about climate-related and environmental issues, I became more involved in this matter after auditing a course, Nature-based Solutions for Disaster and Climate Resilience, through EdX.
Subsequently, I have also been taking many other online environment related courses. But often, I have noticed that, on a local level, minorities are kept out of the arena of many activities. The biggest reason for this is lack of awareness. For this reason, I'm striving towards building awareness among the local community regarding minorities.
I have been helped in my endeavours by many of my friends. One of them, Jeslo, has helped me turn my chunks of life events into a proper short story.